The True Meaning of Halloween

This October 31 I urge all of you to remember the true meaning Halloween. Too often we get caught up in the commercialization of the holiday and forget the reason we celebrate it in the first placeā€”to acknowledge the change into the half of the year with shorter days and also the border between our world and the realm of the dead becoming blurred this time of year.
Though Samhain was hijacked long ago and we will probably never be rid new name that evolved from the forced association with Christianity, that doesn’t mean we have to sit back and watch it continually be stepped on and secularized.
Have we all forgotten the Pagan roots of this celebration?
Traditional scary costumes are being replaced with Obama masks and Spider-man suits. Last year, the most popular kids costume was a princess. A princess??? How is dressing in a pink gown supposed to trick the evil spirits into thinking you are one of them so they don’t hurt you while you’re trying to kick it with your dead relatives? (I am, however, pleased to see that this year promises a much more practical Michael Jackson costume.)
Retailers have all but stopped selling festive turnips in favor of the more secular pumpkin in an attempt take the Paganism out of Halloween.
This year, let’s not forget about the dead people floating around us as we celebrate this sacred holiday.

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Obama Implicates Iranian Government in Death of Michael Jackson

LOS OLIVOS, CA — Amid speculation and suspicion revolving around the recent death of pop legend and child entertainer Michael Jackson, President Barack Obama spoke out this morning about new developments in the investigation.

“We’ve discovered substantial evidence that implicates the Iranian government in the death of an American icon,” Obama revealed at a news conference held under a giant ferris wheel at the Neverland Ranch.

Obama continued to express his critical view of Iranian involvement in U.S. affairs, stating that “the Middle East has once again made the choice to meddle in that which is a private, domestic issue.

“It is not up to Iran, or any other government, to decide how to handle American degenerate celebrities.”

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad released the following in a statement upon hearing Obama’s message:

“Although Iran is deeply empathetic towards the American people as they mourn the tragic loss of horror-film star and pioneer astronaut Michael Jackson, any suggestion that Iran may have been involved is absurd and completely unsubstantiated.”

Iran’s Supreme Leader, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei was interviewed via telephone during a Madden tournament held at his palace in Tehran. He echoed Ahmadinejad’s remarks, saying that Michael Jackson is “wicked cool,” and that it wouldn’t make any sense to kill him. He also added that “this is bullshit, I tried to do an automatic spike, but you messed it up with your stupid replays.”

Prime Minister Gordon Brown of Britain added fuel to Obama’s suspicions, accusing Iran of being directly responsible for Jackson’s purchase of much of the Beatles’ catalog. “Iran has been meddling in Western affairs for decades. Just ask Paul McCartney.”

Obama, taking questions in full Mace Windu garb after his statement, was asked by one reporter if Iran’s recent suggestion that the CIA was responsible for Neda Agha-Soltan’s murder had anything to do with Obama’s accusation.

He responded only by saying, “a tit for a tat, bitches” before stripping down and performing a perfect cannonball plunge into a massive swimming pool shaped like a monkey.

Jackson’s family requested a third autopsy after hearing the news. Close friend of Jackson’s, actress Farrah Fawcett, could not be reached for comment.

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