What REALLY Happened to the Dinosaurs

I found this hilariously appalling children’s creationism book available for free download. I decided to improve upon it by replacing the text with my own. You can see the original here (warning: not safe for children).

This is space. In space comets, asteroids, stars, planets, galaxies, and a giant nameless book all orbit the Earth.

This is a list of things to learn about. You can learn everything there is to know about each subject in just one day!

In dinosaur times the Sun looked like a heart and two humans liked to get naked with dangerous animals and one slow one.

Back then it was normal for a naked man to lie with a beast.

A pterodactyl shit on the girl’s face while they were building a pointless sign and road.

Reading makes dinosaurs hungry!

One day a giant Fraggle attacked Tokyo with a rolled-up newspaper!

There was a wooden box with a door and a pixie.

The box marked a mysterious spot underground where all the fossils turned pretty colors and got jumbled up into random layers.

Pterodactyl silhouettes! Quit smiling at the unusually thick rainbow and RUN!

Finally, this badass went around stabbing all the dinosaurs in the face with his double-sided spear. And that’s what REALLY happened to the dinosaurs.

For the record, I realize they would be more accurately called “pterosaurs,” but “pterodactyl” just sounds cooler.

*UPDATE: Watch the video version here.

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Rock God Caused Volcano

Rush Limbaugh recently called the eruption of the volcano Eyjafjallajokull in Iceland God’s wrath on healthcare.

From the April 16 edition of Premiere Radio Networks’ The Rush Limbaugh Show…

This sounds insane to anyone who doesn’t think God punished Haiti with an earthquake. Healthcare had nothing to do with it.

But Rush was actually in the right ballpark in one respect. The volcano was indeed caused by a god, a god of rock—Peter Steele

The Type O Negative frontman died on Wednesday of heart failure. Steele is a god. This was made evident by his towering 6’7″ frame, his perfectly chiseled body of a god, and his deep, bellowing, ominous voice. More importantly he is a rock god.

The idea that Steele caused the volcano is obvious when considering the facts:

  1. The eruption happened in Iceland.
  2. Steele had Icelandic blood.
  3. Both the eruption and Steele’s death happened on the same day.
  4. Steele was a god in the flesh.
  5. Special people become more powerful in death (known as the Obi-Wan effect).
  6. Volcanoes spew molten rock.
  7. Steele is a rock god.

To ignore or pass off these facts as mere coincidence would simply be irresponsible. Anyone free of self-delusion can see that this volcanic eruption is a clear sign from Steele that he is here and we better not fuck with Type O Negative.

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Open Letter to Facebook Friends

Dear Facebook friends,

I’d like to inform you about a brand spanking new feature called the hide button. It magically appears when you roll your mouse cursor over the top right portion of any post. See below.

This button allows you to prevent any individual’s posts from appearing on your news feed. This comes in handy when when your feed is inundated with posts about atheism, science, religion, philosophy, politics—you know, trivial stuff that doesn’t interest you.

Feel free to use this magic button on me—I probably already hid you after that post about that celebrity or trend. Or you can remove me from your friends altogether. Anything to help make your Facebook experience more enjoyable.

Evanescently your friend,

Guy

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Militant Atheist, Religionist Attacks on the Rise

"Death to Israel!"

Though religious and atheist violence has been around for centuries, recent studies show that militantism among atheists and the faithful is on the rise.

One needs to look no further than the headlines in any daily newspaper to find evidence of this unfortunate trend.

Last year we saw Hindu “morality police” beat young women in India for drinking alcohol.

In that very same year, militant atheist Richard Dawkins wrote a book about evolution.

"I strongly disagree with some things!"

In the near-decade that has passed since the Muslim terrorists flew jetliners into the World Trade towers and the pentagon, intelligence agencies have uncovered numerous Al-Qaeda plots to bomb buildings and planes in many different countries.

But they aren’t the only ones plotting.

It has been reported that dozens, if not tens, of militant atheists were found to have sinister plans to write books. Books that express opinions different than those held by most people.

With God all things are possible.

In recent weeks the FBI has executed a series of raids on a Christian militia that plotted to murder police officers and set off a bomb at a funeral. And of course the Lord’s Resistance Army continues to reek havoc across Africa.

This outrageous behavior could be seen mirrored in Christopher Hitchens, perhaps the most militant of all atheists, as he called for the capture and prosecution of high-ranking catholics who aided in the cover-up of child rapes.

"I have a different opinion—and I'm not afraid to use it!"

But perhaps the most heinous crimes of these zealots has been the incitement of others to commit violence. Like the Muslim group that offered a $100,000 reward for killing a Swedish cartoonist ($50,000 bonus for slaughtering him like a lamb).

Militant atheists have also used this tactic of incitement recently. Two of the so-called “Four-Horsemen” were seen doing just that—both during moderated debates with theists.

Daniel Dennett was reported to have stroked his manly white beard while simultaneously grumbling as an opponent began speaking of free-will.

And in perhaps the most blatant act of militantism, sources reported to have seen Sam Harris, in response to Pascal’s wager, raise a single eyebrow.

My Reconversion

This may come as a surprise to many of you. I know I write a lot of satire, but this one is from the heart.

I’ve been struggling a lot lately with my beliefs. Because of it, I think I’ve been pushing myself to become more and more involved with the atheist community.

The truth is, I’ve been more of a deist than an atheist for a couple years now. The more I learned about the wonders of the universe, and the precision and  complexity of everything within it, the more I realized something or someone must be behind it, and the more I pushed back against the idea—I was scared.

I was so scared that I refused to even admit to myself that my entire adult life has been misguided. If I could have just allowed myself to pray about it—just once—this all could have been behind me much sooner.

Finally, last night, I did just that—I prayed for the first time in over a decade. I don’t want to get into all the details about my experience, but suffice it to say I was overcome with a feeling that was undeniable, yet indescribable.

I realize this personal anecdote is not something that will convince any atheist to convert—nor would I expect any reasonable person to convert without their own experience—but for me it was real. And I’ve turned my thoughts back to Christ.

I’m still not sure how I feel about organized religion, but I know how I feel about God. He exists. I can no longer deny that.

I hope this helps to explain some questions about my recent behavior to those who know me well. Peace.

JK. (^_–)Happy Atheists Day!

PODCAST—The Retar Crew

EXPLICIT.
Consider yourselves warned.

Or listen here

Guy talks to The Retar Crew. Hilarity ensues.

Stuff we talk about in this episode:

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The Right Becknique

Glenn Beck is the only man smart enough to save this country from the progressive, communist left. How is he doing this? By demonizing the words like “progressive” and equating them with words like “communist.”

You see, the rest of us have given too much credit to the average American and we’ve forgotten that the most effective way to convince a person to agree with your viewpoint is to repeatedly say words associated with  your opponents’ viewpoint in a negative and obnoxious tone. This is especially effective when your view has no point.

Having a coherent  opinion on real issues is a luxury that we cannot afford. We need to be swift and efficient, and Beck has the right technique. He realizes that demonizing the word “liberal” has worked! Even liberals are terrified of the word! They’ve taken refuge in a different label, “progressive”. It only makes sense to turn that word into a curse word too.

Beck knows that the most important thing is the label associated with your position and not the position itself. He also understands that progressives are too stupid to embrace the term and render his strategy ineffective. Think about it, lefties would never be able demonize the word “conservative” because we constantly label ourselves that way (even when it’s not true)!

Plus, the progressive communists spend way to much time thinking about ideas and trying to progress. They’re not even in this fight!

We should all take a page from the Book of Beck. Then—and only then—will we be able to save our theocracy democracy.

Watch the master at work:

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The True Meaning of Halloween

This October 31 I urge all of you to remember the true meaning Halloween. Too often we get caught up in the commercialization of the holiday and forget the reason we celebrate it in the first place—to acknowledge the change into the half of the year with shorter days and also the border between our world and the realm of the dead becoming blurred this time of year.
Though Samhain was hijacked long ago and we will probably never be rid new name that evolved from the forced association with Christianity, that doesn’t mean we have to sit back and watch it continually be stepped on and secularized.
Have we all forgotten the Pagan roots of this celebration?
Traditional scary costumes are being replaced with Obama masks and Spider-man suits. Last year, the most popular kids costume was a princess. A princess??? How is dressing in a pink gown supposed to trick the evil spirits into thinking you are one of them so they don’t hurt you while you’re trying to kick it with your dead relatives? (I am, however, pleased to see that this year promises a much more practical Michael Jackson costume.)
Retailers have all but stopped selling festive turnips in favor of the more secular pumpkin in an attempt take the Paganism out of Halloween.
This year, let’s not forget about the dead people floating around us as we celebrate this sacred holiday.

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God’s Pests

One of my planets is infested with humans! I just can’t get rid of these things. I’ve tried quakes, cyclones, tornadoes, tsunamis, landslides—I’ve even tried freezing them out! Nothing seems to work. I thought I got rid of them once by drowning the fuckers, but they’re just so damned good at surviving. And multiplying! I swear I saw one on a nearby moon, and you know what they say, where theres one…. I just don’t know what else to do. Guess I’ll try frying ‘em.

Faith-Eating

I was extremely disturbed to hear the news about Carl Worthington, defendant in an Oregon faith healing case, receiving 60 days in jail for relying on faith and prayer instead of medical attention when his daughter fell ill. In fact, I was utterly appalled.

What has this country come to? We now live in a society where atheists and homosexuals are free to infect our children with their backwards ideas, and a loving father like Mr. Worthington is put in jail for having faith in God!

Please don’t misunderstand me—I was as saddened as anyone to hear that his 15-month-old daughter was no longer with us after perishing from pneumonia and a related blood infection. But one needs to understand that this precious little girl would have died even if she had received medical care for her easily treatable inflictions. How do I know? Because it was her time to die—if it wasn’t, she wouldn’t have.

Zadkiel was said to be the Angel who prevented...

Image via Wikipedia

I commend Mr. Worthington and his wife (who was not convicted of the same misdemeanor, but still suffered through a grueling trial) for exercising a faith in the Lord reminiscent of Abraham’s as he raised the blade to sacrifice Isaac. We should all have as much courage and faith.

But why stop there?

From this day forward I will refrain from polluting my body with worldly foods and begin relying on the Lord to fill my stomach with the Holy Spirit.

I’m not suggesting a mere 40 day fast. I’m talking about a complete reliance on Christ to provide the spiritual feeding needed to sustain me through the rest of my days.

I challenge every one of you to join me along with my wife and kids in our quest to become closer to Jesus.

God bless you!

Disclaimer: This is satire. If you are a Christian who also happens to be very stupid, please do not stop eating.

*UPDATE: Faith-Eating Kills

**UPDATE: More Potential Faith-Eaters

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