satire « Inside the Atheists Studio

Gay Island

April 6, 2012 Leave a comment

The following is a piece I wrote back in 2004—long before ITAS. I rediscovered it while going through my old computer’s documents, so I thought this would be a good place for it.

Supporters of legislation that limits marriage to include only heterosexuals are fighting a losing battle. Right-winged attempts to push through legislation to ban gay marriage are destined to fail in the long run. The answer is not to keep gays apart; in fact, the simple solution is just the opposite. Homosexuality is a growing epidemic that plagues our society and should be dealt with the same way any other epidemic is dealt with: quarantine.

By gathering the gays and giving them their own space to live amongst each other, apart from the rest of the country, we not only satisfy the gays by allowing them to marry, we also satisfy those who oppose homosexuality by removing them from our society; everyone’s happy. It will also help stop the spread of homosexuality, which is clearly a learned behavior, by preventing gays from infecting the minds of our children. Since they cannot procreate, they will eventually die off. Problem solved. No longer will these sinners be able to tear at the moral fabric of our society that was all but shredded in 1967 when the remaining 16 states with anti-interracial marriage legislation lost that battle. The only hitch is the “bisexuals,” who we’ll have to monitor and extract any children they have. Some might say, “why let them die off, why not just kill them now?” This idea is just ridiculous. Of course we will let them live out their normal lives. Why dispose of them now when we can continue to collect taxes from them for decades longer?

This plan, however, will not work on its own. The Constitution will never allow for such a thing and amending it will not do. That is why we must do away with the Constitution and instead look to a higher law, God’s law. By using the Bible as the sole law of the land and making Christianity the official religion, we will be able to cut through all the meaningless bureaucracy. Priests will replace judges and will decide whether “an eye for an eye” or “turn the other cheek” methodology will be applied. Non-Christian citizens, along with those wishing to become citizens, will be given mandatory Bible classes (Jews, of course, will only need half of these classes). At first it may seem unfair to force a particular religion. However, we will actually be performing a service to these people by showing them the errors of their ways and bringing the truth into their lives.

Once this is done we will then be able to go forth with the quarantine plan. Will it be easy? No. Will it take time? Yes. But we must be patient—we how can we truly call ourselves Christians if we don’t have patience?

Filed under politics, religion, satire Tagged with bible, christianity, equality, gay, homosexuality, human rights, LGBT, marriage legislation, same sex marriage

Microtectonics Vs Macrotectonics

March 30, 2012 Leave a comment

German scientist Alfred Wegener first proposed his idea of continental drift in 1912. According to Wegener, the continents appeared to fit together, much like the pieces of a jig-saw puzzle, and therefore must have been broken apart from one “supercontinent,” which he called, Urkontinent. This was the original name for the hypothetical land mass that is now referred to as Pangea.

Today, neo-Wegenerists attempt to confuse children by teaching them about plate tectonics, which is basically a rebranded version of Wegener’s original theory. What they don’t tell you is just that—it’s nothing more than a theory with no evidence to support it.

So is plate tectonics true? Surprisingly, yes! Sort of. It’s important to make a distinction between the two types of tectonics: microtectonics and macrotectonicts.

Microtectonics describes the movement of continents within an area. It is well established that continents can shift slightly from year to year. There is a slight, but measurable difference between the positioning of the continents over time.

An extreme example of microtectonics would be the shifting of the entire island of Japan by as much as 2 meters following the 9.0 magnitude earthquake that struck the Godless nation. Although this is far more than the typical movement observed, it remains within the bounds of the same area.

Macrotectonics, on the other hand, is what Wegenerian proponents attempt to convince us of. That is, the idea that continents can break apart and come together to form entirely different continents. The problem is, no one has ever observed one continent change into another continent.

Of course, a Europe and an Asia can come together to make a Eurasia; they are all part of the same area. But an Australia will never become an Africa. If Wegenerism is true, why haven’t we found any evidence of an Austrafrica?

In the end, believing in Wegenerian macrotectonics takes a leap of faith that I’m not willing to take.

Filed under religion, satire, science Tagged with Africa, alfred wegener, Charles Darwin, Continent, Continental drift, evolution, Pangaea, Plate tectonics

History of Halloween

October 31, 2011 Leave a comment

The story starts, somewhat ironically, toward the end of the Middle Ages; most historians cite the year as 1974.

Reese Hershey, notable alchemist and part-time plumber, stumbled upon a previously unknown element. He found that when placed in the nostril, the element gave off a pleasant odor, and when placed on the tongue, it had a pleasant taste. He named it “candy” after his favorite stripper, John Kandi, who, according to Hershey, also had a delightful aroma. (Hershey later changed the spelling to “candy” to avoid confusion).

Candy was rare and initially only available to royalty and the very wealthy. It was thought that due to its pleasant odor, candy had heeling properties for the common affliction of stinky feet. It became popular to cut candy into squares with a razor blade, and ingest both.

As candy became more widespread, parents of poor families would send their children into rich neighborhoods to beg for this new remedy. They would often wear masks to avoid embarrassment as they went door-to-door asking the wealthy to smell their feet. If the homeowner felt the child’s feet were stinky enough, candy would be given in exchange for toilet paper—an homage to Hershey’s plumbing hobby.

This tradition of smelly kids begging the rich for handouts became known by the name of the road where it is first thought to have occurred as “Occupy Wall Street.”

And then there was something about pumpkins.

Happy Halloween!

Filed under Economy, politics, satire Tagged with Candy, Halloween, Hershey, occupy wall street, trick-or-treat

Gaddafi’s Sordid Past … or Future?

March 6, 2011 Leave a comment

The international magnifying glass has been pointed at Muammar al-Gaddafi since violence has erupted on the streets of Libya. As Gaddafi continues to hang on and fight against the Libyan people, we dive into his past and focus on a crime Gaddafi committed right here in the U.S.

Gaddafi had been known throughout the 70s, 80s and 90s to both fund and actively support a wide variety of terrorist groups. In 1981 he had gone as far as to plot an assassination attempt on then U.S. president Ronald Reagan.

By the late 70s, Libya had already been seeking nuclear materials and weapons technology from various countries, despite being part of the Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty. In 1985, the efforts came to a head here in the states.

A group of Libyan terrorists had acquired plutonium by raiding a nuclear power plant. The group, which would have certainly been funded by Gaddafi, recruited the help of Dr. Emmet Brown of Hill Valley, CA to assist in the making of a nuclear weapon.

They were, however, being played by Brown, who had agreed to help so that he could take the plutonium for use in his DeLorean Time Machine. And that’s exactly what he did. Brown had said that a nuclear reaction was required to “generate the 1.21 jigowatts of electricity.”

Gaddafi’s terrorists learned of the betrayal and tracked Brown to Twin Pines Mall (aka Lone Pines Mall) where Brown was demonstrating his machine to friend, Martin McFly on the morning of October 26, 1985.

Two Libyans in a Volkswagon Bus attacked the two, shooting Brown and attempting to shoot McFly who jumped into the DeLorean and sped off as his only means of escape. The Libyans gave chase, but were unable to catch McFly before the Time Machine reached 88 mph, vanishing with McFly into 1955, and sending the disoriented Libyans crashing into a photo stand.

Fortunately for Brown, McFly had enough sense to write a letter describing the events of October 26, 1985, and give it to Brown in 1955. Brown initially rejected the letter, refusing to read it on the grounds that the knowledge contained could disrupt the space-time continuum, but later figured, “what the hell!” McFly returned to 1985 just in time to see the events unfold “again.” He was relieved to discover that Brown had read the letter and wore a bullet-proof vest.

As Gaddafi continues to murder protesters and slam down his iron fist, we would do well to remember the plights of Brown and McFly. They are an example of everyday people rising up against Gaddafi and his goons, and succeeding. I like to imagine that somewhere in space and time, Brown and McFly are listening to the news coming from North Africa and rooting for those brave protesters on the streets of Tripoli.

Filed under politics, satire Tagged with Back To The Future, DeLorean Time Machine, Libya, Libyan, Marty McFly, Michael J Fox, movies, Muammar al-Gaddafi, Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty, postaweek20011, time travel, Tripoli

A Logical Proof of God

February 27, 2011 2 Comments

Much has been said and written concerning the existence of God. Theist and atheist alike have spent countless hours debating this topic, desperately attempting to prove their case with enough solid evidence to convince the other, and the world. I believe that lost in the crossfire is a simple answer that will once and for all prove the existence of God.

Before I elaborate, it is important to define the word “God” as it will be used in this essay. I do not speak just of the existence of any higher being. Three key characteristics make up God:

Omnipotence—God is all-powerful

Omniscience—God is all-knowing

Omnibenevolence—God is all-good

Furthermore, I intend to logically prove not only the existence of God in the aforementioned sense, but the existence of the God of the Bible.

The foundation of this proof can be laid using the follow argument:

1. If the Bible is true, God exists.

2. The Bible is true.

3. Therefore, God exists.

Of course, the conclusion only holds true if all of its premises are true. So let’s examine each of the stated premises.

Premise 1: If the Bible is true, God exists.

I don’t believe anyone with any knowledge of the Bible would contest this premise. The Bible clearly asserts that God, in His omnipotence, omniscience and omnibenevolence, does indeed exist. Any further discussion on this premise would only prove to be tiresome and non-enlightening, considering the overwhelming consensus of its truthfulness. I’ll give one example:

Psalms 14:1

The fool hath said in his heart, There is no God …

Premise 2: The Bible is true.

This is where dissenters might look to for a flaw in the argument and so, I will go into greater detail in providing credence to this premise. By laying out a separate argument specific to this premise, a proof of its truthfulness can be provided:

A. If God says the Bible is true, the Bible is true.

B. God said the Bible is true.

C. Therefore the Bible is true.

Again, examination of each of these premises is necessary in order to thoroughly eliminate any doubt of its credibility.

Premise A: If God says the Bible is true, the Bible is true.

Again, a lengthy explanation is not needed here. Remember that God, by definition, is omniscient and omnibenevolent. By being all-knowing, He surely knows whether or not the Bible is true. As an all-good being, God cannot lie about this, or anything else. So, what God states concerning anything is necessarily the Truth.

Premise B: God said the Bible is true.

God’s own words appear in the Bible making those parts inherently true based on the explanation of premise A. Furthermore, many examples can be found of God saying in His own word that the Bible is His Word. Again, God, by definition, cannot lie. Here is one of many examples of God stating the Truth of the Bible:

Proverbs 30:5

Every word of God is pure …

Conclusion (C): The Bible is true.

We’ve just proven that premises A and B are true and therefore premise C, the Bible is True, logically follows.

Note that the verse from Proverbs not only supports premise B, but also denies the potential (though silly) contention that being all-good may not necessarily mean He cannot lie. We’ve proven the Bible to be true, so this statement of the purity of God’s Word is necessarily true.

Conclusion (3): God Exists.

By proving that (1) if the Bible is true, God exists, and (2) the Bible is true, we can conclude with confidence the (3) God (as defined by the Bible) exists.

What I’ve provided here is a simple, logical proof to answer the question that has sparked debates for centuries. I hope that with this the issue can finally be put to rest.

Although it was necessary to spell out this proof in some detail, the main point was first eloquently stated by Stephen Colbert on The Daily Show:

It’s God’s logic, as written in the Bible, every word of which is true, and we know every word is true because the Bible says that the Bible is true and, if you remember from earlier in this sentence, every word of the Bible is true.

Filed under philosophy, religion, satire Tagged with bible, Book of Proverbs, christianity, circular reasoning, Existence of God, God, Logic, Omnipotence, Omniscience, postaweek20011, proof, Religion and Spirituality, Stephen Colbert, Theism

Dear Red Cross,

February 21, 2011 2 Comments

Here is a short article from the Associated Press, found on this website:

Red Cross seeks to provide kosher meals for disaster victims

When the next disaster strikes, whether you are religious, atheist or just a vegetarian, the Red Cross will have a meal for you.

By The Associated Press

The American Red Cross has been looking at ways it can improve its response to the next disaster and it’s found some surprising answers. Joel Sullivan, CEO of the Middle Tennessee chapter of the American Red Cross, said changing demographics have led to a demand for food that meets the specific cultural and religious needs. The Red Cross is looking for vendors that can supply vegetarian, kosher and halal meals.

The Tennessean reports that Muslim leaders have also asked the charity to look into providing separate spaces for men and women at their shelters.

Dear Red Cross,

I commend you for your efforts to provide appropriate meals for victims with “specific cultural and religious needs.” I hope you will consider accommodating my beliefs as well, should I be in the unfortunate position of requiring your aide.

As a follower of the religion of Atheism, I require that my meals contain only meat that comes from tortured baby humans. Torturing is essential in preparing my meals. There are also very important rituals that must be performed, including the dancing of the Macarena by all those involved in the raising of the mini humans or the preparation and handling of the tiny baby human meat. Oh, and I require ice cream cake with every meal.

And see if you can’t make separate spaces for old, white, male intellectuals and those who are not old, white, male intellectuals in your shelters—we wouldn’t want any mixing of ideas going on.

Thank you for your time,

Concerned Atheist

Filed under atheism, Humanism, religion, satire Tagged with American Red Cross, Associated Press, charity, disaster relief, Islam, Judaism, kosher, postaweek20011, Red Cross

Gayness (A Special Challenge)

July 14, 2010 Leave a comment

Not much I can add to this. Except NSFW. You may remember these guys from the podcast.

Filed under fun stuff, religion, satire Tagged with homosexuality, jesus, priest

The Rebel Alliance Causes Hurricanes

June 15, 2010 Leave a comment

Joseph Herrin from the Parables blog recently made a post connecting abortion to the Gulf oil spill.

Now, I won’t contend with his obviously well-thought-out conclusion, but I have to take issue with another point he brings up.

Before flushing-out his oil spill theory, he uses the following graphic to remind us how hurricane Ike was a message from God referring to Isaac in his mother’s womb;

I’ll give him that with the nice little labels, it does kind of look like an unborn child. But when I first saw the satellite image of Ike, I saw something completely different. Judge for yourself: