The story starts, somewhat ironically, toward the end of the Middle Ages; most historians cite the year as 1974.
Reese Hershey, notable alchemist and part-time plumber, stumbled upon a previously unknown element. He found that when placed in the nostril, the element gave off a pleasant odor, and when placed on the tongue, it had a pleasant taste. He named it “candy” after his favorite stripper, John Kandi, who, according to Hershey, also had a delightful aroma. (Hershey later changed the spelling to “candy” to avoid confusion).
Candy was rare and initially only available to royalty and the very wealthy. It was thought that due to its pleasant odor, candy had heeling properties for the common affliction of stinky feet. It became popular to cut candy into squares with a razor blade, and ingest both.
As candy became more widespread, parents of poor families would send their children into rich neighborhoods to beg for this new remedy. They would often wear masks to avoid embarrassment as they went door-to-door asking the wealthy to smell their feet. If the homeowner felt the child’s feet were stinky enough, candy would be given in exchange for toilet paper—an homage to Hershey’s plumbing hobby.
This tradition of smelly kids begging the rich for handouts became known by the name of the road where it is first thought to have occurred as “Occupy Wall Street.”
The international magnifying glass has been pointed at Muammar al-Gaddafi since violence has erupted on the streets of Libya. As Gaddafi continues to hang on and fight against the Libyan people, we dive into his past and focus on a crime Gaddafi committed right here in the U.S.
A group of Libyan terrorists had acquired plutonium by raiding a nuclear power plant. The group, which would have certainly been funded by Gaddafi, recruited the help of Dr. Emmet Brown of Hill Valley, CA to assist in the making of a nuclear weapon.
They were, however, being played by Brown, who had agreed to help so that he could take the plutonium for use in his DeLorean Time Machine. And that’s exactly what he did. Brown had said that a nuclear reaction was required to “generate the 1.21 jigowatts of electricity.”
Gaddafi’s terrorists learned of the betrayal and tracked Brown to Twin Pines Mall (aka Lone Pines Mall) where Brown was demonstrating his machine to friend, Martin McFly on the morning of October 26, 1985.
Two Libyans in a Volkswagon Bus attacked the two, shooting Brown and attempting to shoot McFly who jumped into the DeLorean and sped off as his only means of escape. The Libyans gave chase, but were unable to catch McFly before the Time Machine reached 88 mph, vanishing with McFly into 1955, and sending the disoriented Libyans crashing into a photo stand.
Fortunately for Brown, McFly had enough sense to write a letter describing the events of October 26, 1985, and give it to Brown in 1955. Brown initially rejected the letter, refusing to read it on the grounds that the knowledge contained could disrupt the space-time continuum, but later figured, “what the hell!” McFly returned to 1985 just in time to see the events unfold “again.” He was relieved to discover that Brown had read the letter and wore a bullet-proof vest.
As Gaddafi continues to murder protesters and slam down his iron fist, we would do well to remember the plights of Brown and McFly. They are an example of everyday people rising up against Gaddafi and his goons, and succeeding. I like to imagine that somewhere in space and time, Brown and McFly are listening to the news coming from North Africa and rooting for those brave protesters on the streets of Tripoli.
Much has been said and written concerning the existence of God. Theist and atheist alike have spent countless hours debating this topic, desperately attempting to prove their case with enough solid evidence to convince the other, and the world. I believe that lost in the crossfire is a simple answer that will once and for all prove the existence of God.
Before I elaborate, it is important to define the word “God” as it will be used in this essay. I do not speak just of the existence of any higher being. Three key characteristics make up God:
Omnipotence—God is all-powerful
Omniscience—God is all-knowing
Omnibenevolence—God is all-good
Furthermore, I intend to logically prove not only the existence of God in the aforementioned sense, but the existence of the God of the Bible.
The foundation of this proof can be laid using the follow argument:
1. If the Bible is true, God exists.
2. The Bible is true.
3. Therefore, God exists.
Of course, the conclusion only holds true if all of its premises are true. So let’s examine each of the stated premises.
Premise 1: If the Bible is true, God exists.
I don’t believe anyone with any knowledge of the Bible would contest this premise. The Bible clearly asserts that God, in His omnipotence, omniscience and omnibenevolence, does indeed exist. Any further discussion on this premise would only prove to be tiresome and non-enlightening, considering the overwhelming consensus of its truthfulness. I’ll give one example:
The fool hath said in his heart, There is no God …
Premise 2: The Bible is true.
This is where dissenters might look to for a flaw in the argument and so, I will go into greater detail in providing credence to this premise. By laying out a separate argument specific to this premise, a proof of its truthfulness can be provided:
A. If God says the Bible is true, the Bible is true.
B. God said the Bible is true.
C. Therefore the Bible is true.
Again, examination of each of these premises is necessary in order to thoroughly eliminate any doubt of its credibility.
Premise A: If God says the Bible is true, the Bible is true.
Again, a lengthy explanation is not needed here. Remember that God, by definition, is omniscient and omnibenevolent. By being all-knowing, He surely knows whether or not the Bible is true. As an all-good being, God cannot lie about this, or anything else. So, what God states concerning anything is necessarily the Truth.
Premise B: God said the Bible is true.
God’s own words appear in the Bible making those parts inherently true based on the explanation of premise A. Furthermore, many examples can be found of God saying in His own word that the Bible is His Word. Again, God, by definition, cannot lie. Here is one of many examples of God stating the Truth of the Bible:
We’ve just proven that premises A and B are true and therefore premise C, the Bible is True, logically follows.
Note that the verse from Proverbs not only supports premise B, but also denies the potential (though silly) contention that being all-good may not necessarily mean He cannot lie. We’ve proven the Bible to be true, so this statement of the purity of God’s Word is necessarily true.
Conclusion (3): God Exists.
By proving that (1) if the Bible is true, God exists, and (2) the Bible is true, we can conclude with confidence the (3) God (as defined by the Bible) exists.
What I’ve provided here is a simple, logical proof to answer the question that has sparked debates for centuries. I hope that with this the issue can finally be put to rest.
Although it was necessary to spell out this proof in some detail, the main point was first eloquently stated by Stephen Colbert on The Daily Show:
It’s God’s logic, as written in the Bible, every word of which is true, and we know every word is true because the Bible says that the Bible is true and, if you remember from earlier in this sentence, every word of the Bible is true.
Red Cross seeks to provide kosher meals for disaster victims
When the next disaster strikes, whether you are religious, atheist or just a vegetarian, the Red Cross will have a meal for you.
By The Associated Press
The American Red Cross has been looking at ways it can improve its response to the next disaster and it’s found some surprising answers. Joel Sullivan, CEO of the Middle Tennessee chapter of the American Red Cross, said changing demographics have led to a demand for food that meets the specific cultural and religious needs. The Red Cross is looking for vendors that can supply vegetarian, kosher and halal meals.
The Tennessean reports that Muslim leaders have also asked the charity to look into providing separate spaces for men and women at their shelters.
Dear Red Cross,
I commend you for your efforts to provide appropriate meals for victims with “specific cultural and religious needs.” I hope you will consider accommodating my beliefs as well, should I be in the unfortunate position of requiring your aide.
As a follower of the religion of Atheism, I require that my meals contain only meat that comes from tortured baby humans. Torturing is essential in preparing my meals. There are also very important rituals that must be performed, including the dancing of the Macarena by all those involved in the raising of the mini humans or the preparation and handling of the tiny baby human meat. Oh, and I require ice cream cake with every meal.
And see if you can’t make separate spaces for old, white, male intellectuals and those who are not old, white, male intellectuals in your shelters—we wouldn’t want any mixing of ideas going on.
Now, I won’t contend with his obviously well-thought-out conclusion, but I have to take issue with another point he brings up.
Before flushing-out his oil spill theory, he uses the following graphic to remind us how hurricane Ike was a message from God referring to Isaac in his mother’s womb;
I’ll give him that with the nice little labels, it does kind of look like an unborn child. But when I first saw the satellite image of Ike, I saw something completely different. Judge for yourself:
It would appear as if Luke and his squirrely band of rebels are causing hurricanes in the Gulf. F those guys.
I found this hilariously appalling children’s creationism book available for free download. I decided to improve upon it by replacing the text with my own. You can see the original here (warning: not safe for children).
This is space. In space comets, asteroids, stars, planets, galaxies, and a giant nameless book all orbit the Earth.
This is a list of things to learn about. You can learn everything there is to know about each subject in just one day!
In dinosaur times the Sun looked like a heart and two humans liked to get naked with dangerous animals and one slow one.
Back then it was normal for a naked man to lie with a beast.
A pterodactyl shit on the girl’s face while they were building a pointless sign and road.
Reading makes dinosaurs hungry!
One day a giant Fraggle attacked Tokyo with a rolled-up newspaper!
There was a wooden box with a door and a pixie.
The box marked a mysterious spot underground where all the fossils turned pretty colors and got jumbled up into random layers.
Pterodactyl silhouettes! Quit smiling at the unusually thick rainbow and RUN!
Finally, this badass went around stabbing all the dinosaurs in the face with his double-sided spear. And that’s what REALLY happened to the dinosaurs.
For the record, I realize they would be more accurately called “pterosaurs,” but “pterodactyl” just sounds cooler.
This sounds insane to anyone who doesn’t think God punished Haiti with an earthquake. Healthcare had nothing to do with it.
But Rush was actually in the right ballpark in one respect. The volcano was indeed caused by a god, a god of rock—Peter Steele
The Type O Negative frontman died on Wednesday of heart failure. Steele is a god. This was made evident by his towering 6’7″ frame, his perfectly chiseled body of a god, and his deep, bellowing, ominous voice. More importantly he is a rock god.
The idea that Steele caused the volcano is obvious when considering the facts:
The eruption happened in Iceland.
Steele had Icelandic blood.
Both the eruption and Steele’s death happened on the same day.
Steele was a god in the flesh.
Special people become more powerful in death (known as the Obi-Wan effect).
Volcanoes spew molten rock.
Steele is a rock god.
To ignore or pass off these facts as mere coincidence would simply be irresponsible. Anyone free of self-delusion can see that this volcanic eruption is a clear sign from Steele that he is here and we better not fuck with Type O Negative.
The international magnifying glass has been pointed at Muammar al-Gaddafi since violence has erupted on the streets of Libya. As 
Much has been said and written concerning the existence of God. Theist and atheist alike have spent countless hours debating this topic, desperately attempting to prove their case with enough solid evidence to convince the other, and the world. I believe that lost in the crossfire is a simple answer that will once and for all prove the existence of God.
